HOLEYBALONEY

UMWA

The UMWA – Ultimate Money Wasting Activity.

Toto/4D/Scratch and what not. What everyone else calls small betting. Betting for the fun of it. No harm. Buying a small hope. Whatever.

i don’t understand. Do the maths. The total amount one spends on buying lottery is definitely very much less than the total amount you actually win! Why is it that Singaporeans flock to lottery kiosks and buy lottery like there’s no tomorrow?? Is it some betting gene in us that makes us attracted to lottery like metal to magnet? Or like flies to shit? No wonder the government is so sure that the casino will be okay-ed here. Singaporeans are probably some kind of betting addict.

The worst thing is that almost everyone, even if you are living on a tight budget.. Or you don’t have much money in that POSB bank account, or if you are really living hand to mouth, you will stand in the queue every Thursday to “buy hope”. What a fucked up world.

One number for 4D costs a MINIMUM of $2 for ONE day. That can buy me char kuay teow at the market. LUNCH. Usually people won’t buy for one day. They’d buy both Sat & Sun. So that’s $4. One bowl of noodles at the foodcourt. One meal. And usually people won’t buy one number. They’d fill one sheet of betting slip, which can fit 4 numbers. And for 2 days. Min $16 for every betting slip!!! That’s enough to last me lunch for 4 days!

What a waste of money! And what do they say when you kindly remind them that it’s a huge fucking waste of good money? They dig up instances where their number won and they DIDN’T buy! Excuse me?? How about the numberous times you BOUGHT the number and it DIDN’T win?? How about the equally numberous times you didn’t buy and it didn’t win???

These people ignore the blatant fact that betting on lottery is a fucking waste of time, money and energy. There’s some fancy name that psychologists give to such mentality that after my 3 years in NUS, I’ve forgotten. That was a waste as well anyway.

Someone should ban lottery buying and sue Singapore Pools for corrupting the minds of Singaporeans.

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朋友 (2000年4月13日)

找一個知心的朋友﹐真的有那麼難嗎﹖﹐為什麼我看到身邊的人﹐個個稱兄道弟的﹐而我仍孤零零一個人﹐沒人給我傾訴。是我太不信任其他人嗎﹖還是我只是喜歡把心事藏起來﹐什麼事都不肯對別人講。

我好寂寞。我心裡有好多好多事﹐快壓得我喘不過氣來了。好想找一個人說﹐但找誰呢﹖我能信任誰呢﹖我不想再裝下去了。我不想有時是我﹐有時是別人。我好愧疚。

我是不是很討人厭﹖為什麼有時候有些人對我不理不睬﹖我承認我是有點‘表演欲’﹐喜歡人注意我﹐但是我已經儘量克制了。為什麼似乎沒有人願意和我作朋友﹐ 真正的朋友﹖我好孤獨﹐好寂寞。我感覺全世界的人在敷衍我﹐根本不是真心誠意的。也許﹑也許﹐是我待人不夠誠懇吧﹖但是﹐什麼才叫作待人誠懇﹖我不明白﹐ 有沒有人可以告訴我呢﹖

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這種感覺﹐到現在還偶而會浮現。就當它是種鍛煉吧。鍛煉自己﹐讓自己更堅強。

也許因為長時期這樣﹐養成了什麼事都可以假裝不聞不問的習慣。是好還是壞呢﹖

不知道。

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傷害。抱歉 (1999年9月24日)

1999年9月24日寫的﹐今天突然心血來潮﹐拿出來看看﹕
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“傷害不是抱歉可以交代。。。”

聽到林曉培這首歌﹐除了喜歡她的演繹方式外﹐喜歡這句歌詞。

常常在做了對不起別人的事後﹐覺得道個歉應該就沒問題。事實上﹐真的只是‘應該’而已。i mean,傷害別人後如果隨隨便便一句sorry就可以settle整件事的話﹐就不會有這麼多人為情所困﹐自殺﹐嗜毒等。

真正想表達內疚的心情﹐不須要多加言語一舉一動都可以看得出﹐好像偶而關懷那個人﹐想盡辦法﹐by hook or by crook要彌補你的過失﹐對方瞎了眼也看得出你想的是什麼。到時﹐不必說什麼話了。

sorry這個字被濫用的非常厲害。什麼什麼芝麻綠荳的事都sorry來sorry去﹐sorry變得沒有意義。以前說對不起是真心覺得對不起﹐可是看現在﹐sorry變成一種口頭禪﹐時不時拿出來‘炫耀’一下﹐想表示自己很有禮貌﹐很有… 內涵。

放屁。

如果說sorry會讓你看起來or聽起來比較有內涵﹐我不如開口閉口都說sorry﹐其他話不用講了。什麼道理嘛。

到底要到什麼時候﹐sorry才會變成真正的sorry﹖

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靠﹗原來我在中學的時候竟然那麼full of angst。而且。。感覺上有點吳慶康。靠﹗﹗不會吧。得檢討。

可是。。真的挺可悲的。到現在﹐sorry還是一個很普通的字﹐感覺上﹐仍然沒有什麼特別不一樣的意義。it’s just another word.

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T.S. Elliot – Ash Wednesday I

Because I do not hope to turn again
Because I do not hope
Because I do not hope to turn
Desiring this man’s gift and that man’s scope
I no longer strive to strive towards such things
(Why should the aged eagle stretch its wings?)
Why should I mourn
The vanished power of the usual reign?

Because I do not hope to know again
The infirm glory of the positive hour
Because I do not think
Because I know I shall not know
The one veritable transitory power
Because I cannot drink
There, where trees flower, and springs flow, for there is nothing again

Because I know that time is always time
And place is always and only place
And what is actual is actual only for one time
And only for one place
I rejoice that things are as they are and
I renounce the blessed face
And renounce the voice
Because I cannot hope to turn again
Consequently I rejoice, having to construct something
Upon which to rejoice

And pray to God to have mercy upon us
And pray that I may forget
These matters that with myself I too much discuss
Too much explain
Because I do not hope to turn again
Let these words answer
For what is done, not to be done again
May the judgement not be too heavy upon us

Because these wings are no longer wings to fly
But merely vans to beat the air
The air which is now thoroughly small and dry
Smaller and dryer than the will
Teach us to care and not to care
Teach us to sit still.

Pray for us sinners now and at the hour of our death
Pray for us now and at the hour of our death.

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This is officially my favourite poem at the moment.
It’s so lovely & so thought-provoking.
I love how T.S. Elliot words his poems.
No expert on poems but this just seems to captivate me.

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