Musings Writing

Me, and the World

You are who you are

No imitations found thus far

To social norms although you fold

Your true self you forever must hold


I am probably the last person to talk about individualism vs conformity, especially since I can’t seem to make up my mind. On one hand, I can be individualistic to the border of selfishness, yet at the next turn you find me the most rule obeying person ever to live on this earth. For that I blame my zodiac sign for a Gemini duality. #BornThisWay

Friends often admit that they find me confusing in the initial stages of our friendship, simply because they can’t seem to get a consistent read on me. How I react to similar situations could vary, and things they thought I would go crazy over would just get a derisive snort in return. That meant they felt I was intimidating, not because I’m fierce, but they couldn’t predict with 100% certainty how I would react. However, being around me is usually fun and entertaining, simply because I’m unpredictable, so they never know what I would say next. And I make links and comments to topics that are so off the charts that it’s hilarious, especially delivered most nonchalantly. That, and my constant resting bitch face.

It used to bother me, hearing my friends admit that they found me scary. For a while I used to go out of my way to be chirpy and always upbeat, finding things to talk about whenever there is a silence in the conversation. It was tiring, and unsustainable. I would go home from catching up with friends mentally exhausted and just wanting to avoid human interaction for a couple of days. I got more irritable at work and at home, and struggled even more to suppress that rising annoyance at every little thing. During the time, I was playing a Massive Multi-player Online Role Playing Game (MMORPG) and I started being mean to the players from opposing teams, saying nasty things to them, and generally being an online troll.

Then a couple of years ago I changed company and met a bunch of co-workers with whom I felt a great connection with. I realised that you can be yourself, and be loved for your individuality. They celebrated that I’m a little out-of-this-world and quirky. We can discuss a wide variety of topics from socio-politics, to the latest fashion trends. The variation of characters and personalities in the company is wide enough for me to find someone with common interests in almost every aspect, be in health and fitness, to weekend partying, and serious business discussions. They don’t just tolerate the weird part of me, but embrace it with a greater fervour than I’ve ever experienced. A couple of times I was taken aback, because sometimes they seem to understand me better than I do myself. Rarely do I find folks who can catch the random comments I make, and field them back, much less continue the same random conversation thread that keeps everyone else in stitches.

We all still play by the rules, and conform to conventional social norms, and behave. We are not radicals, forever out there fighting against the institution or against the rules. We might scoot awfully close to the edge, but always within, never crossing the border.

Despite that, we are our own person, in this current time and space. That, in my recent epiphany, is the only thing that we need to truly hold on to. Never should we give up our own true self to bend to any social norms or rules.

Be yourself, and the Universe will find you a place you belong.


Why can’t relationships be simple?

Very often I wonder, why can’t relationships just be simple and straightforward. Why does interpersonal relationships have to be full of lies, avoidance, skirting around what is thought to be ‘sensitive’ topics. Sometimes I think I spend so much mental effort trying to second guess what the other person is thinking, feeling, intending, that sometimes I have nothing left for myself. And most times all the extra effort spent on trying to pre-determine what the other person’s reaction to a situation or words are all useless, because the results are the exact opposite of all that scenario running that I’ve done in my head. All that torture, just to realise that, at the end of the day, maybe it would have been better to just sit down face to face, and have a good honest chat.

It also baffles me how people are proactively plotting against other people, even those who have done nothing to harm them, just to ‘get ahead in life’. Why do we feel the need to elevate ourselves (in our own eyes) by putting down others? Is our society to such an extent that we are no longer able to feel honest joy for the accomplishments of others?To others we may even call our friends?

Even in love, things are complicated. Whatever happened to being honest about your feelings instead of being constantly afraid? We all fear rejection to some degree, but it’s my opinion that the fear is always greatest in your mind. Say it out and you might just find that the situation isn’t as bad as you expected. Yet, we are so frightened of the imaginary scenarios that we’ve played out in varying horrifying degrees in our minds.

Maybe I’m just naive, and think too lowly of the complicated human emotions. Maybe I’ve been living in a greenhouse, unexposed to the traumas of hardship and other such terrible things in life. Ironic that, as a Psychology student, I’m lamenting the complications of humans. After all, that is what makes human behaviour interesting enough to have an entire discipline around it.

I think I’m probably just jaded from all the games I have to play, just because society seems to demand that I play these games. I think this is also the primary reason the pool of people I actually call my friends has been shrinking over the years.


That’s what friends are for

Touching down at 6am in a place 12 hours behind your origin is no fun, especially in terms of jet-lag issues. However, when you have friends who drag you around town once you touch down and would only let you go back to the hotel at 3am? You’d never know what jet lag is.

I love my friends. They are awesome. With a capital A.